Are they on crack? House hunting in Charleston

I am fairly certain that there's a special circle of hell reserved for real estate agents. Not MY real estate agent, who is a friend and who will probably just end up in limbo or do a short bid in purgatory. No, I'm talking about all of those sellers' agents we called to see houses before we got wise. Here are some of my favorite quotes from those showings:

"House prices are going up!" (in the midst of the bailout and Madoff scandal)

"Yes, the house has no heating system or central air but they've been using a plug-in gas heater for years!" (for sale for $350K)

"Are you from Charleston?" (sussing out how well we know the iffy neighborhood we're looking in). "Oh," (disapointed-looking), "you know it's 'up and coming,' then."

"Everyone who has looked at this house has put an offer on it, but it hasn't been enough for the owner" (a house that's now up for auction...)

That's just a sprinkling of the palmetto bug droppings we've had to listen to over the past several months, until I saw my otherwise gracious husband become increasingly abrupt (read: rude) during these house showings.

So, I'm led to wonder, what ARE you paying for when you buy a house in Charleston for under $400K?

1. Lousy public schools (is an "excellent" school in Charleston rated against the performance of schools nationally or SC schools? Because if it's the latter, talk about shifting a curve to the left!)

2. Brick ranch houses. Make them stop, please. I don't mind a brick ranch on a nice hilly road. I mind a flat house on a flat road in a flat county.

3. Street names like, "Robert E. Lee Blvd.," "Secessionville Rd.," and "Rebels Camp" (or something like that)

4. Slash and burn developments. And/or developments that are named and have an HOA and an ARB to monitor the owner's vinyl siding color selection. These developments are likely have an "e" at the end of them: "Olde Magnolia Farms." They are not likely to be old, have any magnolias, or be in the vicinity of a working farm (though I'm sure they're old plantation land, so I'll give them that!).